LOSS OF A LOVED ONE DIARY

I Thought About You Today

I thought about you today, but that is nothing new. 

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You are so easy to think about. You’re the first person I think of when something bad happens, and the first person I think of when something good happens. I guess that’s because you used to be the first person I would tell anything and everything too. You were, that person- you were my person. 

I learned that sometimes you realize how strong you are by losing something/someone that is most important to you. I read about all of these natural disasters on TV, war, hate crimes, etc. and just can’t help to think that life is so cruel and unfair sometimes.

I remember the day I found out I lost you. It replays in my head over and over again as if it’s a memory that my brain constantly replays even when I don’t want it too. I can be driving to the mall with friends, it replays. I can be driving to class, it replays. I can be driving to work, it replays.  But then I have the good memories, and I smile. The memories where you’re healthy, smiling, kissing me on the cheek, the memories of all the cards you wrote me, the home videos that I replay- I love those memories because they make me smile, and I remember you as, well, you.

So many times someone will look at me with that look. The I know that you’re in pain look, and you’re missing your loved one look, and I do not know what to say look, but I am thinking of you. That look when someone looks at you like you’re a broken piece of glass. I must admit I am a little broken, but I am still here, right?

I thought about you, when I was cleaning out my room for the new season that is coming in. I was cleaning out my closets, and drawers, and stumble across old notes and photographs- I miss you.  I sit in my bed taking my finger away from the tears that fall beneath my eyes, and rub it against your beautiful face in the picture- what a photograph. Even though you are not physically here, and life has changed itself- these memories are in all of the photographs I have of you, life may have changed but these are the memories I will hold onto, forever.

I heard someone talking about you the other day, I smiled. I love that, when people talk about you. I hope you know how much everyone loves you. Even when your’e not here, you are still the life of the party. We all miss you, miss you more than you can begin to believe, more than a number value can be and a word can describe- we all miss you.

I thought about you when I was in bed last night, it was late and you just happened to come across my mind. Maybe you were here in my room with me, watching me as I lay my running mind of 1,000 things to sleep, I toss and turn for hours, to just find myself awake in the middle of the night reading our old texts, or starting at our favorite photograph. They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t ever think anything can heal this empty wound. This wound is a constant pain that will never go away, you just get used to the feeling and eventually don’t even recognize that it’s there.

I thought about you this morning when the birds were chirping and the sun was shining. I felt you with me, and it is the best feeling in the world.I love those moments where I feel you with me- it’s the closest thing I have of you.

I thought about you at dinner today. I walked into the restaurant and said an extra person when they asked us how many, I’m not used to these little changes yet. Or, when someone asks about you, I just want to answer and say “you’re doing fine!” It’s such an adjustment without you here, everything has changed- every little thing.

I caught myself smiling today- and then I realized it’s because you came across my mind. I thought about you today, yesterday, and the day before that one too.

You might be gone from this Earth, but you are always in my heart-that is what I thought about today, what I will think about tomorrow, and everyday there after. Keep shining my angel, heaven is more beautiful with you there. 

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